Thursday, November 20, 2008

Saltine crackers

They are my new best friend... OH MY GOSH I am so tired of being on the verge of puking all day, every day. I can hardly eat anything... this is NOT cool.

For the record, I am VERY bitter about this mock-morning sickness when I've just had to stop TTC. Sometimes life is beyond cruel... :(

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

This just feels plain WRONG!

So I started my BC pills last night... I'm on Femcon 35 (the chewable version of Ovcon 35. That's just hillarious... Chewable BC pills? Like they're too big to swallow or something?!?!) As I sat there with my new little white pill in my hand (which actually smells minty, go figure!) I was having this internal struggle in my head.

"Take the pill, Alex"

"No! This stuff makes me STOP ovulating and makes my cervical mucus HOSTILE!"

"Alex, take the stupid pill, it'll make the bleeding go away."

"No! Bleeding means I'm ovulating... Ovulating means there is still a chance!(even if its less than 2%...)"

"Do you WANT to have another Lap in a few months?"


"Take the pill."

"NO! I want a BABY!!!"


......... *gulp*


Then my right ovary has a particularly painful twinge and the stupid logical voice in my head says, "See? Told you so!"

Saturday, November 15, 2008

My heart is heavy...

Today I made a very painful and difficult decision, with the help and support of my wonderful hubby. After much thought and prayer, we've decided to call it quits on the TTC front. Not forever, but for a while... at least until we can pay off our debt and save up for IVF, which probably will be a good few years...

What brought this on? Well, a few things actually. First off, my body has been having a really hard time the past 2 months especially. I've felt my Endo slowly creeping back to very painful levels. I am now so constantly nauseaous from the pain that I've had to start taking Phenegran to help keep my food/pain meds down. The bleeding/clot-throwing has reached new and frightening levels (similar to pre-Lap) and nothing other than Percocet touches the pain. Thats NOT GOOD. I cannot function on Percocet, but I can barely make it through my days at work on Rx Naproxen & Tylenol or Rx Ibuprofen & Tylenol. I am fearful that if I let the Endo keep progressing (which it will as long as we are TTC and doing fertility meds) I will soon be back in the OR having another Lap. This is a great fear of mine, not because of the pain/Lap itself, but because Ben just had an appendectomy and spent nearly a week in the hospital. Our bills from said surgery are just barely starting to come in, and another surgery would devestate us, financially. I simply cannot put us in that situation on a whim to fulfill a dream of mine that may never come true... Not when the odds are stacked so much against us.

I talked to my wonderful doctor today, and while he was sad to hear the news, he always supports me in everything I choose to do. We had previously talked about the "what if's" regarding if Lupron didn't work and together decided that I'd try the Mirena as a long-term treatment for my Endo until we're ready for IVF. Due to insurance, I have to wait until Jaunuary (when they start covering IUD's) to have mine inserted, but for now my doctor gave me the option of going on continuous BC to provide some modicom of relief. I accepted and he's going to give me some samples on Monday so I don't have to purchase them for just a few months.

I hung up the phone and just cried for a while. Even though I know this is the right thing to do, and what my body needs at this time, it's still hard to give up. I feel weak, like a loser that just quit because I'm not strong/brave enough to face more pain. This is the hardest decision I've had to make in a long long time. Thank goodness for my patient, understanding husband... I could not do this without his support.

Despite the pain and how my heart aches right now, I know that there is still hope. In conjunction with this decision, my resolve to go back to school and finish up my degree has been solidified. I thank my Heavenly Father for opening one door for me as He closes another. I trust in His plan for me and while it may be a tough road, I know I am never alone.