Today I made a very painful and difficult decision, with the help and support of my wonderful hubby. After much thought and prayer, we've decided to call it quits on the TTC front. Not forever, but for a while... at least until we can pay off our debt and save up for IVF, which probably will be a good few years...
What brought this on? Well, a few things actually. First off, my body has been having a really hard time the past 2 months especially. I've felt my Endo slowly creeping back to very painful levels. I am now so constantly nauseaous from the pain that I've had to start taking Phenegran to help keep my food/pain meds down. The bleeding/clot-throwing has reached new and frightening levels (similar to pre-Lap) and nothing other than Percocet touches the pain. Thats NOT GOOD. I cannot function on Percocet, but I can barely make it through my days at work on Rx Naproxen & Tylenol or Rx Ibuprofen & Tylenol. I am fearful that if I let the Endo keep progressing (which it will as long as we are TTC and doing fertility meds) I will soon be back in the OR having another Lap. This is a great fear of mine, not because of the pain/Lap itself, but because Ben just had an appendectomy and spent nearly a week in the hospital. Our bills from said surgery are just barely starting to come in, and another surgery would devestate us, financially. I simply cannot put us in that situation on a whim to fulfill a dream of mine that may never come true... Not when the odds are stacked so much against us.
I talked to my wonderful doctor today, and while he was sad to hear the news, he always supports me in everything I choose to do. We had previously talked about the "what if's" regarding if Lupron didn't work and together decided that I'd try the Mirena as a long-term treatment for my Endo until we're ready for IVF. Due to insurance, I have to wait until Jaunuary (when they start covering IUD's) to have mine inserted, but for now my doctor gave me the option of going on continuous BC to provide some modicom of relief. I accepted and he's going to give me some samples on Monday so I don't have to purchase them for just a few months.
I hung up the phone and just cried for a while. Even though I know this is the right thing to do, and what my body needs at this time, it's still hard to give up. I feel weak, like a loser that just quit because I'm not strong/brave enough to face more pain. This is the hardest decision I've had to make in a long long time. Thank goodness for my patient, understanding husband... I could not do this without his support.
Despite the pain and how my heart aches right now, I know that there is still hope. In conjunction with this decision, my resolve to go back to school and finish up my degree has been solidified. I thank my Heavenly Father for opening one door for me as He closes another. I trust in His plan for me and while it may be a tough road, I know I am never alone.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Can't you just CHILL Ursela?
So I'm 7dpo today and have been cramping for 3 days... 5dpo is WAY too early to start cramping and this cannot bode well. I've always had this problem. I thought it was just bad luck that I'd cramp for a week and some before AF came each month. Now I know its just the Endo. A while back ago I read this on Endo-Resolved (link can be found on my sidebar) and it just saddens me that this could be happening right now... ruining my possible implantation.
Prostaglandins are required for ovulation, regression of the corpus luteum (i.e., ending the monthly menstrual cycle), sperm motility, immune interaction, contraction of the uterus at birth and menstrual cramps. Endometriosis implants and the endometrium of the uterus are the richest source of prostaglandin production in the body.
However, the problem with Endometriosis implants includes:- Prostaglandins are released into the abdomen instead of inside the womb- Prostaglandins release by the implants seem to be out of phase with their release by the uterus. Prostaglandins are produced at the wrong time sending the wrong message.
For instance, there is a normal surge in prostaglandin F production at the end of the menstrual cycle, causing the effect of the copus luteum of the ovary to die down and signaling the start of a new menstrual cycle. The implants of Endometriosis produce their own prostaglandin surge several days after that of the womb lining. This may be one of the main causes of very early miscarriage.
If a women is a few days pregnant then the Endometriosis implants producing prostaglandin F would incorrectly signal the ovary to start a new menstrual cycle, causing the womb lining with the implanted egg to be expelled - and the consequence is an early miscarriage.
Prostaglandins also play an important role in the contractions of womb and fallopian tubes. During the normal menstrual cycle, the gentle contraction of the womb and fallopian tube aids the movement of egg and sperm to the outer third of the fallopian tube where fertilization occurs. High concentrations of endometriosis implants may prevent fertilization. An excess of PGF2 and PGE2 could cause contractions that are too strong and expel the egg too quickly.
The prometrium is supposed to act as a muscle relaxer in a way for my uterus, which would help with this but... here I am 7dpo and cramping for 3 days... something makes me think it's not working so well. I know many say cramping can be a GOOD thing and a "sign" of pregnancy, but I don't think that applies to us Endo sufferers. *sigh* Oh well... I guess we'll see if I'm right in about a week... By the way, Ursela is my pet name for my evil uterus.
Prostaglandins are required for ovulation, regression of the corpus luteum (i.e., ending the monthly menstrual cycle), sperm motility, immune interaction, contraction of the uterus at birth and menstrual cramps. Endometriosis implants and the endometrium of the uterus are the richest source of prostaglandin production in the body.
However, the problem with Endometriosis implants includes:- Prostaglandins are released into the abdomen instead of inside the womb- Prostaglandins release by the implants seem to be out of phase with their release by the uterus. Prostaglandins are produced at the wrong time sending the wrong message.
For instance, there is a normal surge in prostaglandin F production at the end of the menstrual cycle, causing the effect of the copus luteum of the ovary to die down and signaling the start of a new menstrual cycle. The implants of Endometriosis produce their own prostaglandin surge several days after that of the womb lining. This may be one of the main causes of very early miscarriage.
If a women is a few days pregnant then the Endometriosis implants producing prostaglandin F would incorrectly signal the ovary to start a new menstrual cycle, causing the womb lining with the implanted egg to be expelled - and the consequence is an early miscarriage.
Prostaglandins also play an important role in the contractions of womb and fallopian tubes. During the normal menstrual cycle, the gentle contraction of the womb and fallopian tube aids the movement of egg and sperm to the outer third of the fallopian tube where fertilization occurs. High concentrations of endometriosis implants may prevent fertilization. An excess of PGF2 and PGE2 could cause contractions that are too strong and expel the egg too quickly.
The prometrium is supposed to act as a muscle relaxer in a way for my uterus, which would help with this but... here I am 7dpo and cramping for 3 days... something makes me think it's not working so well. I know many say cramping can be a GOOD thing and a "sign" of pregnancy, but I don't think that applies to us Endo sufferers. *sigh* Oh well... I guess we'll see if I'm right in about a week... By the way, Ursela is my pet name for my evil uterus.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Loopy on Lupron (Part 4)
Lupron was always a drug I'd hoped and prayed to avoid on my Endo journey. I had heard/read enough bad things about it to scare me half to death and balk when my doctor mentioned it right after my Lap, seeing as my case was so much more severe than we had anticipated. I declined it and insisted on giving Femara(as a fertility drug) a shot. After 4 cycles and still not pregnant, the pain was starting to come back and then I got another humongous cyst that made my right leg go numb for a while. I realized that sadly enough my Lap had not bought me the 6-9 months we had been hoping for, and after much thought and prayer decided to turn to the "evil" that is Lupron. I appologized to my husband in advance and warned him that it might be a while before he got his loving wife back. I cried myself silly, took a deep breath and called my doctor to tell him what we had decided. He himself has gone through having his wife on Lupron and knew how hard this would be for us. He had me start taking the add-back (Aygestin) right away and on January 15th, 2008 I began my monthly Lupron Depot 3.75 mg shots.
The first month was a breeze. I was expecting the heavy bleeding that comes a few weeks into the treatment. You typically get an initial "estrogen flare-up" that makes your symptoms worse and can bring on heavy bleeding. I did not. I remember calling up my doctor after 3 weeks worried because I had not been bleeding... I thought my crazy body was malfunctioning even then. I was told to relax, I was just one of the "lucky ones" and indeed with time I slowly began to realize that I was. The hot-flashes and night sweats set in pretty quickly, within the first few weeks. Honestly it wasn't any worse than what I had experienced on Clomid, so I wasn't too troubled. My moods were a bit more volatile, but again... Clomid had done MUCH worse to me, and so I happily proceeded to shot #2. That's when things started getting a little bit harder and the insomnia set in.
Never in my life have I realized just how much sleep matters to a person. At first it started with a lot of tossing and turning throughout the night. I could fall asleep just fine but my problem was staying asleep. When I mentioned this, I was told to try Benadryl. It worked... somewhat. Again, I would fall asleep just fine and maybe it would buy me another hour of straight sleep but no more than that. By now I was onto shot #3. I was sleeping about 4-5 hours a night which was still doable, but it was starting to take its toll on me. Day after day, the exhaustion kept building and again I mentioned it to my doctor who told me to try Unisom instead. Again, this worked somewhat, but after a few weeks it made little difference. This is when the true hell began for me. I was working full time and getting up at 5am to teach an early morning scripture class for the youth at our church Monday - Friday. I would get home at about 6:30-7PM each day, eat dinner, plan my next day's class and then crash and fall asleep on the couch by about 8:30 each night. Ben would pretty much drag me up to bed where I would sleep until about 11 and then I'd be awake the rest of the night. Sometimes I would manage to half doze off, but I would never quite get to that "all the way asleep" state. Day after day I would drag myself out of bed at 5am and cry because I didn't think I could actually make it through my day. I started losing my memory... I would forget how I got to certain places, or what someone had just told me not more than 5 minutes before. I started making big mistakes at work and 1/2 the time I felt like I was going insane. One day I just had a complete meltdown. It was Sunday and I was trying to get up and get ready for church but I just couldn't. I lost it and just sobbed for hours. I was completely irrational and was convinced I was going to die if I didn't get more than 1-2 hours of sleep. My husband made me call my doctor right then and there and tell him what was going on. I must've sounded like a blubbering fool on the phone, but my doctor called me in some sleeping pills right away. I took a week break from my early morning teaching to help me catch up on my sleep and things quickly turned around. I could finally sleep again! Those little pills became my lifeline. I could NOT have made it through the rest of my shots without them.
Shots # 4 & 5 were pretty uneventful except for the fact that I started having constant spotting for those 2 months. It just came on with no explanation and just as unexpectedly stopped the very day I received my last shot! My mood was very much improved now that I was sleeping again. Those pills were a life-saver. The second 1/2 of my treatment pretty much flew by with no significant problems. I did, however, get a lot of migraines for the first 2 weeks after each shot. Each month they got a little bit worse but compared to the insomnia they were much more managable.
June 24th, 2008 I recieved my 6th and final Lupron shot. My doctor, nurse, and I were SO excited! I had survived! I'd been pain-free since my 3rd shot and so we all felt that I was in pretty good shape and decided against a second 6-month round. We planned to start me on the Femara the same day I *would* have had a 7th shot, 4 weeks later, to help my body start waking up so we could start trying to conceive as soon as possible. So here we are, on our way to trying to get pregnant again! I just took my last Femara pill last night and am due for an ultrasound this Friday to see if my ovaries are responding or if they are still slumbering away. I've started feeling some familar twinges (the kind I felt when I was on Femara before) and so my hopes are that something is happening in there.
All in all, despite the 3 months of no sleep and the migraines... I really do consider myself lucky in the sense that I survived Lupron. I am completely off my sleeping pills now and starting to get some decent rest all on my own. The first few days were rough, but its getting better. I am still pain free and am feeling pretty good all around! I do not know if this will help us conceive, and I certainly know not to expect the pain to be gone forever, but it has been a very nice break so far. I suppose only time will tell whether or not it was worth it to do the Lupron, but so far I'm happy with our decision to give it a shot. I know that Lupron is a highly disputed and controversial "treatment" and that it doesn't work for everyone. I recognize that many have been burned by it and regret dearly having tried it. For them I am very sorry and wish it had been different. I am in no way recommending Lupron, just sharing what it has done to and for me. Perhaps I will have luck with it and it will help me conceive like it did for my doctor's wife.... and perhaps not, but for now I'm glad I did it, but more glad that its finally over! It wasn't as awful as I'd heard it would be, but it was still hard enough.
The first month was a breeze. I was expecting the heavy bleeding that comes a few weeks into the treatment. You typically get an initial "estrogen flare-up" that makes your symptoms worse and can bring on heavy bleeding. I did not. I remember calling up my doctor after 3 weeks worried because I had not been bleeding... I thought my crazy body was malfunctioning even then. I was told to relax, I was just one of the "lucky ones" and indeed with time I slowly began to realize that I was. The hot-flashes and night sweats set in pretty quickly, within the first few weeks. Honestly it wasn't any worse than what I had experienced on Clomid, so I wasn't too troubled. My moods were a bit more volatile, but again... Clomid had done MUCH worse to me, and so I happily proceeded to shot #2. That's when things started getting a little bit harder and the insomnia set in.
Never in my life have I realized just how much sleep matters to a person. At first it started with a lot of tossing and turning throughout the night. I could fall asleep just fine but my problem was staying asleep. When I mentioned this, I was told to try Benadryl. It worked... somewhat. Again, I would fall asleep just fine and maybe it would buy me another hour of straight sleep but no more than that. By now I was onto shot #3. I was sleeping about 4-5 hours a night which was still doable, but it was starting to take its toll on me. Day after day, the exhaustion kept building and again I mentioned it to my doctor who told me to try Unisom instead. Again, this worked somewhat, but after a few weeks it made little difference. This is when the true hell began for me. I was working full time and getting up at 5am to teach an early morning scripture class for the youth at our church Monday - Friday. I would get home at about 6:30-7PM each day, eat dinner, plan my next day's class and then crash and fall asleep on the couch by about 8:30 each night. Ben would pretty much drag me up to bed where I would sleep until about 11 and then I'd be awake the rest of the night. Sometimes I would manage to half doze off, but I would never quite get to that "all the way asleep" state. Day after day I would drag myself out of bed at 5am and cry because I didn't think I could actually make it through my day. I started losing my memory... I would forget how I got to certain places, or what someone had just told me not more than 5 minutes before. I started making big mistakes at work and 1/2 the time I felt like I was going insane. One day I just had a complete meltdown. It was Sunday and I was trying to get up and get ready for church but I just couldn't. I lost it and just sobbed for hours. I was completely irrational and was convinced I was going to die if I didn't get more than 1-2 hours of sleep. My husband made me call my doctor right then and there and tell him what was going on. I must've sounded like a blubbering fool on the phone, but my doctor called me in some sleeping pills right away. I took a week break from my early morning teaching to help me catch up on my sleep and things quickly turned around. I could finally sleep again! Those little pills became my lifeline. I could NOT have made it through the rest of my shots without them.
Shots # 4 & 5 were pretty uneventful except for the fact that I started having constant spotting for those 2 months. It just came on with no explanation and just as unexpectedly stopped the very day I received my last shot! My mood was very much improved now that I was sleeping again. Those pills were a life-saver. The second 1/2 of my treatment pretty much flew by with no significant problems. I did, however, get a lot of migraines for the first 2 weeks after each shot. Each month they got a little bit worse but compared to the insomnia they were much more managable.
June 24th, 2008 I recieved my 6th and final Lupron shot. My doctor, nurse, and I were SO excited! I had survived! I'd been pain-free since my 3rd shot and so we all felt that I was in pretty good shape and decided against a second 6-month round. We planned to start me on the Femara the same day I *would* have had a 7th shot, 4 weeks later, to help my body start waking up so we could start trying to conceive as soon as possible. So here we are, on our way to trying to get pregnant again! I just took my last Femara pill last night and am due for an ultrasound this Friday to see if my ovaries are responding or if they are still slumbering away. I've started feeling some familar twinges (the kind I felt when I was on Femara before) and so my hopes are that something is happening in there.
All in all, despite the 3 months of no sleep and the migraines... I really do consider myself lucky in the sense that I survived Lupron. I am completely off my sleeping pills now and starting to get some decent rest all on my own. The first few days were rough, but its getting better. I am still pain free and am feeling pretty good all around! I do not know if this will help us conceive, and I certainly know not to expect the pain to be gone forever, but it has been a very nice break so far. I suppose only time will tell whether or not it was worth it to do the Lupron, but so far I'm happy with our decision to give it a shot. I know that Lupron is a highly disputed and controversial "treatment" and that it doesn't work for everyone. I recognize that many have been burned by it and regret dearly having tried it. For them I am very sorry and wish it had been different. I am in no way recommending Lupron, just sharing what it has done to and for me. Perhaps I will have luck with it and it will help me conceive like it did for my doctor's wife.... and perhaps not, but for now I'm glad I did it, but more glad that its finally over! It wasn't as awful as I'd heard it would be, but it was still hard enough.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
An Uphill Battle (Part 2)
Before continuing with my story, I just wanted to say thank you to those that have come and visited my little blog on its very first day!It's amazing how less alone you feel when you realize how many others are out there going through the same crud. I'm am so sad that such a painful thread links us, but I'm glad that we can gain strength and comfort from one another's experiences and thoughts!
Ok, now onto the rest of my journey up until now. I think I'll divide it into seperate posts, just to keep things a bit more organized and not so lengthy. Today's post will be about our infertility struggle, by far the worst that Endo has done to me...so far.
Growing up with these "womanly issues" I always suspected having children might not be the easiest thing ever for me. I had nothing to academically back this up of course, but in my mind that part of me just didn't "function right" for some reason and so natuarally I assumed this would come back to haunt me someday. Boy was I right, and sadly enough I had grossly underestimated just how difficult it would be...
I would later (after my Lap) find out that I also have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which unbeknown to me (at the time) is often found with Endo. My cycles were never what you would consider "normal" and after being on birth control pills for 8 years straight, I expected it to take a while for my body to get it all straightened out. Eight months into trying I still had no idea what my body was doing, so as per my doctor's advice, I started Clomid. I wish I had known at the time what horrid effects this drug would have on my Endo... perhaps, I would have decided against it, but I guess thats why the say hindsight is 20/20, huh? In the 8 months that we did Clomid (along with trigger shots and 2 IUI's) my Endo symptoms grew ten-fold. I developed some nasty cysts that we had to try birth control pills on to make them go away. That didn't work so well, but at least they weren't getting any bigger right? Ha! A few ruptured, and that was hands down some of the worst pain I've ever had. Then the non-stop bleeding began, for which I was placed back on birth control pills, only this time continuously. The bleeding continued... Provera was added to the mix... still I kept bleeding. The last thing my doctor could/would try would be Aygestin, and if the bleeding continued I would have to have surgery... both to stop the bleeding and get rid of the cysts that would just not go away on their own.
Of course the bleeding continued, the pain was at an all time high and I was popping Naproxen and Lortab like candy just to be able to function. I had been asked to keep a daily journal of my pain level, and those last 2 months, there was not a day that went by in which I wasn't hurting somewhere, ususally at a moderate to severe on the pain scale. It was awful... I wasn't sure how I was going to keep going like this. The pain drained me of any and all energy. I was worse than useless! After work I would come home and just crash on the couch. On the weekends I would take my strongest painkillers (because it was the only time I could since I didn't have to go to work) and pretty much just sleep the days away. I neglected my house, my husband, and any other resposibilities I had at the time. It had been almost 2 years since we first started trying to get pregnant, and there I was, still no baby, in worlds of pain, and bleeding to death. Could things possibly get any worse?
Oh yes... they always can. I've learned not to ask that question anymore. On August 31st, 2007 I went in for my Laparoscopy. (I will blog more in detail about that next time) When I woke up I heard the news I was dreading. Yes, I indeed have Endometriosis and a rather severe case of it too. I also found out I had PCOS which at that time meant very little to me, but would soon mean more pills to take, including the not-so-fun Metformin. Eventually all this would also mean a 6 month course of Lupron, which I am just barely resurfacing from. More on Lupron later on as well. So, here I am almost 3 years since we started down this road of trying to conceive, and still no baby. Will we ever get our little miracle? Who knows... but for now we keep chugging along, and in 2 days I will start another treatment, Femara.
Ok, now onto the rest of my journey up until now. I think I'll divide it into seperate posts, just to keep things a bit more organized and not so lengthy. Today's post will be about our infertility struggle, by far the worst that Endo has done to me...so far.
Growing up with these "womanly issues" I always suspected having children might not be the easiest thing ever for me. I had nothing to academically back this up of course, but in my mind that part of me just didn't "function right" for some reason and so natuarally I assumed this would come back to haunt me someday. Boy was I right, and sadly enough I had grossly underestimated just how difficult it would be...
I would later (after my Lap) find out that I also have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which unbeknown to me (at the time) is often found with Endo. My cycles were never what you would consider "normal" and after being on birth control pills for 8 years straight, I expected it to take a while for my body to get it all straightened out. Eight months into trying I still had no idea what my body was doing, so as per my doctor's advice, I started Clomid. I wish I had known at the time what horrid effects this drug would have on my Endo... perhaps, I would have decided against it, but I guess thats why the say hindsight is 20/20, huh? In the 8 months that we did Clomid (along with trigger shots and 2 IUI's) my Endo symptoms grew ten-fold. I developed some nasty cysts that we had to try birth control pills on to make them go away. That didn't work so well, but at least they weren't getting any bigger right? Ha! A few ruptured, and that was hands down some of the worst pain I've ever had. Then the non-stop bleeding began, for which I was placed back on birth control pills, only this time continuously. The bleeding continued... Provera was added to the mix... still I kept bleeding. The last thing my doctor could/would try would be Aygestin, and if the bleeding continued I would have to have surgery... both to stop the bleeding and get rid of the cysts that would just not go away on their own.
Of course the bleeding continued, the pain was at an all time high and I was popping Naproxen and Lortab like candy just to be able to function. I had been asked to keep a daily journal of my pain level, and those last 2 months, there was not a day that went by in which I wasn't hurting somewhere, ususally at a moderate to severe on the pain scale. It was awful... I wasn't sure how I was going to keep going like this. The pain drained me of any and all energy. I was worse than useless! After work I would come home and just crash on the couch. On the weekends I would take my strongest painkillers (because it was the only time I could since I didn't have to go to work) and pretty much just sleep the days away. I neglected my house, my husband, and any other resposibilities I had at the time. It had been almost 2 years since we first started trying to get pregnant, and there I was, still no baby, in worlds of pain, and bleeding to death. Could things possibly get any worse?
Oh yes... they always can. I've learned not to ask that question anymore. On August 31st, 2007 I went in for my Laparoscopy. (I will blog more in detail about that next time) When I woke up I heard the news I was dreading. Yes, I indeed have Endometriosis and a rather severe case of it too. I also found out I had PCOS which at that time meant very little to me, but would soon mean more pills to take, including the not-so-fun Metformin. Eventually all this would also mean a 6 month course of Lupron, which I am just barely resurfacing from. More on Lupron later on as well. So, here I am almost 3 years since we started down this road of trying to conceive, and still no baby. Will we ever get our little miracle? Who knows... but for now we keep chugging along, and in 2 days I will start another treatment, Femara.
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