She's aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!!!!

Yep. That would be me... So sorry for worrying you Jeanne, I've been a bad blogger. Very, very bad. I haven't really even been keeping up with my email either (which doesn't help when people are trying to figure out why you've fallen off the face of the planet... again, sorry Jeanne!)

So, after we decided to quit TTC and I got put back on BCP's (which ugh, so NOT a good thing, but more on that later) I kind of went into a funk. After 3 years of doing nothing but obsessing over getting pregnant, I had a really hard time adjusting to doing nothing. As my last few posts reflect, I still wasn't feeling all that hot (constant nausea and pain) and emotionally I was just not holding it together very well. How did I deal? Well, I didn't... I just chose to try to ignore things... ignore the Endo, ignore how I felt, ignore pretty much everything and anything that had even the remotest connection to all this crap. Unfortunately, that meant ignoring this blog... again, I'm sorry.

I think I'm ready to come back now.

What have I been up to lately? Well, pretty much working my bum off. I'm starting a new job here in a few weeks and am currently training my replacement and trying to tie up all loose ends before making the switch. I'm going back to school this fall to finish up my RN, so I'm really excited about that too! We're planning on paying down our debt and then saving up for adoption. Maybe some day we'll attemp IVF... maybe we won't. For right now, we're closing the TTC chapter in our lives for my own health and sanity.

On the Endo front, BCP hasn't been all that fun. The pain has gone away for the most part, so that's great BUT everything else just really bites! I'd been bleeding pretty much non-stop since I started it about 2 months ago. I also started getting migraines more and more frequently and the severity was just out of control. They would last for days at a time, my worst lasted about 5 days... insane, I wanted to die! It brought the nausea back and I was back on Phenegran.

It finally occured to me that maybe it was the BCP's (duh!) so I called my doctor and as soon as he heard what had been happening, he told me to STOP taking them right away and put me back on Aygestin. This was about 1 week ago and so far that was hands down the best decision ever! The bleeding stopped pretty much over night (YAY!!!) and the migraines have been slowly getting better. I was told Aygestin can cause headaches, but we're hoping it will at least not be as severe as what I'd been experiencing before. I'm starting to feel a lot better, so I'm hoping this will be successful. I still plan on getting the Mirena IUD in a few months, so we'll see.

Hope you are all having a great (and pain free!) day! :)

Saltine crackers

They are my new best friend... OH MY GOSH I am so tired of being on the verge of puking all day, every day. I can hardly eat anything... this is NOT cool.

For the record, I am VERY bitter about this mock-morning sickness when I've just had to stop TTC. Sometimes life is beyond cruel... :(

This just feels plain WRONG!

So I started my BC pills last night... I'm on Femcon 35 (the chewable version of Ovcon 35. That's just hillarious... Chewable BC pills? Like they're too big to swallow or something?!?!) As I sat there with my new little white pill in my hand (which actually smells minty, go figure!) I was having this internal struggle in my head.

"Take the pill, Alex"

"No! This stuff makes me STOP ovulating and makes my cervical mucus HOSTILE!"

"Alex, take the stupid pill, it'll make the bleeding go away."

"No! Bleeding means I'm ovulating... Ovulating means there is still a chance!(even if its less than 2%...)"

"Do you WANT to have another Lap in a few months?"

"...no..."

"Take the pill."

"NO! I want a BABY!!!"

"GIVE IT UP, GET A GRIP, & SWALLOW THE DANG PILL ALREADY!"

......... *gulp*

*Sigh*

Then my right ovary has a particularly painful twinge and the stupid logical voice in my head says, "See? Told you so!"

My heart is heavy...

Today I made a very painful and difficult decision, with the help and support of my wonderful hubby. After much thought and prayer, we've decided to call it quits on the TTC front. Not forever, but for a while... at least until we can pay off our debt and save up for IVF, which probably will be a good few years...

What brought this on? Well, a few things actually. First off, my body has been having a really hard time the past 2 months especially. I've felt my Endo slowly creeping back to very painful levels. I am now so constantly nauseaous from the pain that I've had to start taking Phenegran to help keep my food/pain meds down. The bleeding/clot-throwing has reached new and frightening levels (similar to pre-Lap) and nothing other than Percocet touches the pain. Thats NOT GOOD. I cannot function on Percocet, but I can barely make it through my days at work on Rx Naproxen & Tylenol or Rx Ibuprofen & Tylenol. I am fearful that if I let the Endo keep progressing (which it will as long as we are TTC and doing fertility meds) I will soon be back in the OR having another Lap. This is a great fear of mine, not because of the pain/Lap itself, but because Ben just had an appendectomy and spent nearly a week in the hospital. Our bills from said surgery are just barely starting to come in, and another surgery would devestate us, financially. I simply cannot put us in that situation on a whim to fulfill a dream of mine that may never come true... Not when the odds are stacked so much against us.

I talked to my wonderful doctor today, and while he was sad to hear the news, he always supports me in everything I choose to do. We had previously talked about the "what if's" regarding if Lupron didn't work and together decided that I'd try the Mirena as a long-term treatment for my Endo until we're ready for IVF. Due to insurance, I have to wait until Jaunuary (when they start covering IUD's) to have mine inserted, but for now my doctor gave me the option of going on continuous BC to provide some modicom of relief. I accepted and he's going to give me some samples on Monday so I don't have to purchase them for just a few months.

I hung up the phone and just cried for a while. Even though I know this is the right thing to do, and what my body needs at this time, it's still hard to give up. I feel weak, like a loser that just quit because I'm not strong/brave enough to face more pain. This is the hardest decision I've had to make in a long long time. Thank goodness for my patient, understanding husband... I could not do this without his support.

Despite the pain and how my heart aches right now, I know that there is still hope. In conjunction with this decision, my resolve to go back to school and finish up my degree has been solidified. I thank my Heavenly Father for opening one door for me as He closes another. I trust in His plan for me and while it may be a tough road, I know I am never alone.

Thank goodness for perspective...

Well, here I am back at square one, as AF decided to show her ugly face today once more... Fortunately/Unfortunately something happened to us last week that has cushioned yet another blow by putting things into perspective for me. I almost lost my hubby last week... His appendicitis was misdiagnosed as "food poisoning" and by the time we realized it was something much more serious and rushed him to the ER, things had already taken a turn for the worst and his appendix oozed all over his insides... He spent almost a week in the hospital recovering. Thankfully everything turned out just fine and he is making an astoundingly quick recovery!

Yes, I'm bummed yet another month has gone by and still no BFP. I'm sad, but that's normal and to be expected... how else are you supposed to feel after 3 years of constant failure? However, despite the pain (emotional & physical, as the cramps are a killer this month) I am doing surprisingly well and haven't thrown my ususal "woe is me, life is so unfair, my life is over!" pity-party... why? Well, again, perspective... A LOT worse things than a BFN could have (and almost did) happened to me this month.

So up I get... yes, this sucks... I hurt and I feel like poo on a stick, BUT I have much to be gratefull for... my precious hubby! :)

Here we go again!

Wednesday I went in for my follie-scan and my doctor was rather pleased... more so than me. He was estatic about my endometrial stripe which was now at a nice and plump 13mm (up from 9mm last month and 7mm the month before that) and a good sized follicle at 24.5mm. This little sucker was on my right ovary, but I was sad to see that it was all alone and had no buddy! My doc wasn't very disturbed by that, but I guess I just figure 2 is better than 1, know what I mean? My left ovary was just a mess of PCOS, looked like a cluster of grapes... below is a picture of what PCOS looks like on an ultrasound, although this particular ovary is not mine.

So yeah, that was what my left one looked like. I wonder if she'll ever work? In the past 3 years of TTC, I think it would be generous to say I've ovulated from that side more than once or twice. If I ever lose my right ovary I think I'd be totally screwed b/c little miss lefty here just sits there all cysted up and does nothing, month after month. *sigh* That's a scary thought. I'm having to increase my Metformin dose, in the hopes that this will help with the PCOS.

In any case, I'm officially back in the 2ww... we'll see what time will bring us. I'm trying to be more hopeful this month. My doctor is ever optimistic, and continues to cheer me on and pray for us. If nothing else, I'm so grateful for his care and attention... Infertility is hard enough to have to deal with a doctor that doesn't care or understand. I'm so blessed to have one that takes such good care of me!

I knew it...

I had a feeling this cycle was going to be a bust, and it sure was. I'm on cd2 again and started the Femara last night. This has been a rough weekend, both emotionally as well as physically. I'd hoped my first AF post-Lupron would be an easy one, but oh no, not so. I have spent the past 2 days curled up on my couch in pain and losing ridiculously copious amounts of blood. I've been so nauseaous I can barely eat or keep anything in. NOT cool...

I'm going back to my couch now...